Retreat

I came back from retreat yesterday. And I feel BLESSED. Praise God :)

Merry Christmas~ :)

Merry Christmas to you all :) I hope your break will be wonderful and relaxing!

and here's one fun fact XD

Did you know that Christmas isn't actually the birthday of Jesus Christ, which is why most christians celebrate Christmas? Jesus's birthday is actually around April :)

Friends

they're good people... people who make me smile and laugh :)

New

Hey, it's like the first time talking to you. I liked it. lol deep inside me, i believed that you are nice and faithful, and today, i reaffirmed it. I'm actually really glad i got to talk to you :)

hope this continues and develops into a deep friendship

Apology

Person 1: I'm sorry... I've been depressed for a SHORT while, and when  I do get depressed, I close myself out from the world. It's a bad habit of mine that I want to fix, but sadly it's still in the processing of being fixed. When I hit the lowest point, I thought of calling you, but I was on my bed, and my mom 5 feet away from me(my mom and I sleep in the living room, separate beds lol). I even thought about walking outside and call you and ask you to be there for me, but I was just so tired and lifeless that I didn't do anything. I don't know why, but I feel this awkward atmosphere around us these days. Maybe it's just me who's feeling that, maybe it's because you're mad/disappointed/annoyed at me, or maybe you're having a tough time and I don't know it and I'm assuming when I shouldn't be. I don't know to be honest, but I want you to know that you really are my best friend. Bestest friend. I'm sorry if I upset you in anyway :/

Person 2: I probably shouldn't have told you what I told you, but I had to. Then again, I know there's no point in telling you anything... So I decided to stop, but I'm not sure if I can? I'd have to see. I don't know.. I'm just blabbering now. I'll stop. I'm sorry.

If

If we were meant to be, we will see each other as more than just friends. Whether that's now, in 3 months, or in 3 years.

If not, I'll just remember you as a beautiful sunset I can think back to when I'm old.

날씨

오늘 비가 두번 내렸다. 아침에 한번. 저녁에 한번.

먹구름낀 하늘에 쏴아아아 한 쏘나기가 아침에 내려 햇님을 비추어주었지만, 저녁에 한번더 연락없이 찾아와 햇빛을 즐기던 나를 불괘하게 적셔주었다.

하지만 이젠 비맞지 않으리. 해도 보지 않으리. 그저 어느 한 건물 안에서 밖같세상 생각하지 않으며 살리... 할수 있다면, 말이다.

Something BIG

*Breathe in* and *breathe out*....

Okay... tomorrow... something is going to happen...

Stopping

I decided to stop...
I should stop... but can I stop it? Will I stop it?...

Love

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude,it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
It always protects,always trust,always hopes, always perseveres.
Love is honest.

enraged

i feel so pissed off right now. i wanna break something. this, indescribable, unreasonable anger is overflowing from within me...

Masochism

So the more I think about what I do, the more I realize how masochistic I am.
It's not like what I think about makes me happy, but I think of those things anyway.
It's not like what I seek answers for make me feel happy, rather, I know it'll make me even more sad and heartbroken, but I seek for those answers anyways.
It's not like the pictures I see and memories I think back to make me happy, but I still look at those pictures and think back to the memories and imagine myself doing something different anyways.
And it's not like I can change the past by remembering and imagining myself being in that situation, but I do anyways.
It's not like all these things make me happy, rather, they make me feel mellow and gloomy and I know doing those will make me feel that way, but I do anyways.

가~끔

가끔씩 전 혼잣말을 합니다. 사실,아주 자주 혼잣말을 합니다. 마치 주문을 외우듯이. 마치 내 안에 또다른 나가 있는것 처럼말이죠.

생각이 많은건지... 내가 왜 그때 그렇게 했을까? 내가 왜 그때 그러지 않았을까 회상해봅니다. 그리고 말하죠, "그때로 돌아간다면  똑같이 하지 않을거야, 하지만 그때로 돌아가기 싫어. 돌가가면 또 아픔을 격어야하니까."

항상 그렇습니다. 가슴속에 아픔을 간직한채, 꿋꿋이 걸어갑니다. 어디로 걸어가는지도 모르면서... 아픔이란 무엇일까요? 원하고 싶은걸 갖지 못할때 느끼는 감정? 하기싫은걸 해야할때 느끼는 감정? 저에게는 아픔은 '갖고있었던 소중한걸 잃어버렸을때'의 감정 같습니다. 왜 사람들은 그런소릴하잖아요, "잃어버리기 전까지는 그것의 소중함을 못느낀다" 라고.

하... 제가 왜 이런 쓸대없는 글을 쓰는지 모르겠네요. 그냥 시간이 흘렀으면 하는 바람에서였을까요?...

Stop

i know the title gives off this negative vibe, but this post is actually a happy one lolol

i'm going to stop. Stop thinking so much. I honestly don't think i too much that often, but i know i am now. and it's hurting me. so i'm going to stop. I'm just going to go with the follow and do what makes me happy at the moment. and i guess face the "consequence" later? because i think what would happen if i did this or did that, and the very though frustrates me. Like, i know this isn't a big deal to most, but I'm actually starting to curse quite often now... and that needs to stop. I have to calm down, and relax, and enjoy my life. cuz everything will be alright, everything will be awesome.

:)

Lately...

Lately I've been down,
Rarely I've been up.
I have tried faking up,
but always ended up down.
If love causes joy and hope,
Then why am I sad and down?
So this mustn't be love.
For love shouldn't cause pain.



Or should it?





When...
When it's out of my sight,
my mind starts to cry.
When my mind cries at night,
my heart becomes so dry.
So dry that I can feel it break into pieces, into dusts.
And those dusts become my tears and comes out from my eyes.

Romans 13:18

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. - Romans 13:18

This verse really came to me. But I have two problems with this...


1. peace with EVERYONE. Here, I believe I am included in that everyone, but if I were to make others at peace, I know I won't be at peace.


2. If it IS possible. Because of number one, I don't think it's possible. Or is it?

I'm getting lazy...

I'm getting lazy... or more like less willful? So just now, I decided to write about what I did today and how I felt about it, but then... I got unmotivated for some reason and changed my mind to write about how lazy I've become.

But at least Early decision/action is over now :)

Anniversary

It's a couple's anniversary today... and it is snowing as if to bless them. Like a white christmas, it's a white anniversary for them...

I feel miserable... I don't want to be in Eeksah.

I quit.

Concave up

Things are going well now. I sense a good flow of situations right now... but my heart feels a little heavy. Just a tad. I really should be happy, but it's hard.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.

This is a part of a poem that really stuck out to me. Well, I first heard it in korean and looked for a translation for you guys... lol Then I found out that it was a part of a poem but i guess that doesn't matter.
It's just really... sad... to know that that actually is true for the most part. idk... maybe i want people around me to be that way? lol i don't know what i'm even saying at this point...

i think i'm tired... so i'll stop here for now...

Homecoming Dance

I just realized that all the dramas I had up until now and the dramas I have now are from the home coming dance during my freshman year... Everything started there. Ever since then, and after the freshman year APA dance, I didn't want to go to any of the dances...
But I did anyway. And every time, I found myself sad. I didn't want to go to Sophomore year home coming dance, but I did anyways. Not there to dance, but I just went... and I got depressed. Same year APA Dance, I guess I could say I screwed up, but in all honesty, I wasn't ready. Junior year homecoming dance, I didn't want to go, but I went anyway. And I got really depressed. I knew I would be depressed if i went, but I just... had to... I couldn't help but bring myself to deepen the wound in my heart. Same thing for Junior year APA Dance...
And even this year, I'll be the same way... maybe not to apa dance, but homecoming dance for sure... I know I don't want to go... but I probably will anyway. And this time, I'll actually participate in dance, but not because I want to or enjoy dancing, but probably because I don't want other people to know that I'm sad.

Since my freshman year, a lot of things happened. and a lot of things I've done piled in my heart, some heavy, some light, but it all piled up.

If I had a chance to go back in my freshman year and relive it, I'd really want to, but I'll probably say no... because I'd have to go through the pain again.

All the things I know and feel and acknowledge are things I know and feel and acknowledge only because I went through those situations and dramas. Without them, Joe I know wouldn't be the same Joe I know.  But at the same time... I wonder... if there is anyway I can reverse what I did. And it pains me because I know there isn't any way. How Ironic.

I apologize

Sorry to those who understood what I wrote on my last post... i didn't mean to direct what i said to my friends here XD it was more of a... monologue? like, i was telling myself to get the hell out (in case you're still wondering, that's what i wrote in korean XD) cuz... i went through the same exact thing last year, and i survived through it? So I was like, the heck, I'll be fine this year too. Time will pass, and I'll be fine. I mean, so what if i'm sad from time to time? If that's how I feel atm, that is how I feel atm.

I mean, I do want to be happy and stay happy. I want to be smiling and laughing and stay smiling and laughing because I don't want my friends to be down because I'm down. I want to laugh and have fun with them. But at the same time, I don't want to fake my emotion. But idk...  whatever i do at this point will be very hypocritical either way :[

.

쫌 꺼져줄래?

I lied.

Aight so I lied... it hit me today again...

like, i'm not a lone, but i'm lonely.and that feels like shit.

:)

I'm happy these days XD well,i guess i shouldn't use the word "happy" but generally up? i feel energetic and lively XD

lol of course, this doesn't mean i'm doing my work... but still? like, i, for some strange odd reasons, don't think i'll be living a difficult life... like, it's not like i'll die from starvation due to lack of  money? idk... i don't really feel pressured,,, XD

but yeaaa i feel good these days :D

Well

I want to cry.

Damn...

I'm a bad kid...

i'm exited

i'm exited for this friday! lol i have SAT the day after but so what? it'll be fun and relaxing :) especially since it's the 4 day weekends :DDD WOOHOOO LET'S GO!

Hey Jude

Don't be afraid.

Thanks Kei

So Kei told me that I should rest because I looked "dead" today... and while I was taking a shower, I thought about why he would say that to me. I remembered where and why he thought I was tired...  but then...I remembered something else as well and now I'm down -,.-.

apparently I didn't exist.

and my keyboard is somehow broken and the space bar isn't working half the time and it's pissing me off even more...

Well anyways, let me get some rest

Lazinesss

I'm just too lazyyyyyyy

i had a lot to write today... so i sat down in front of the computer and was about to write what I went through today, and I decide not to cuz it's just too much work to think what i'm gonna write... what a bum

Today

I just wanted to go home... I was in a really good mood and then, something ticked. I slowly became upset/sad/depressed/will-less/lost.. but i guess i should say i suddenly became like that because that all happened within a minute, but it felt like a long time.

Then I had to go tutor a twin, and i just wanted to quit. I got mad pissed off. like. MAD PISSED OFF. idk.

Then again, i'm fine now... so this is really jja jeung na-ing me. i really don't like this season D:

사람이란....

사람이란

과거를 그리워하고
미래를 두려워하며
현재를 못마땅해하고
노력을 귀찮아하는 존재... ?

Hey

When you are down and sad, I am here to listen and talk to you, you know?...

School

I skipped school today... I shouldn't have, but since I have the "power" to do so, I think I'm falling into the temptation more often...

Well, I gotta step up and be strong! LET'S GOOOO

Notebook

If you're a bird, then I'm a bird.

omggggg that's such a cheesy, corny sentence but I love it! :3 so sincere and oh boi am i at a loss of word or what?

한숨

마음이 무거워진다...

Cell Phone

These days, I check my cell phone too often. I mean, I guess everyone does, but What exactly is it that I'm waiting for? For what reason? That's a question I have to answer myself...

Revelation

I just realized how much easier it is to check if there are new posts or not... There's this thing called Dashboard... and it tells me the new posts.... I feel stupid... XD

Friendssss :)

I had my friends over today. It was fun :)

I had to go on aim for Honors Choir End of the Year Trip, but I guess it wasn't too bad... I didn't get to enjoy the movie though :/ a pretty sad, heart-warming movie though. I liked it. I'm gonna watch it again without any distractions this time so I can actually enjoy the movie :)


Well... I really should work on my college essays and SAT before all these... but... What can I say? I'm a bum. Well, a happy, irresponsible bum :P

Opening up

is just damn hard and makes me feel vulnerable.

Enough said.

I hate this love song

 Love Song by Big Bang.

 That song has been in my head for about 5 days now... And today morning, I listened to it for literally 2 hours... same song over and over again on itunes. Idk.. strange emptiness is in my heart. I feel like the world is slowly becoming black and white video clip in slow motion.

It really is strange because by writing on this blog, I'm just making myself more vulnerable... I don't know who reads my post or what he/she thinks of me. Yet, I write. I wonder why I do... And what's bothering is that while I'm exposing myself, I'm not exposing enough to have heart to heart bond with someone because I'm afraid. I hide the most important thing. How idiotic... How dumb...

it's been a while

well~ it's been a whileeeeeee since i posted anything.. lol XD

to be honest, writing things and publishing is just weird for me... i feel like whatever problems i have, i should handle them myself because soon or later, they will be solved. but i have to admit that letting things out does feel good and stress relieving. :)

well, i'm a weird guy. so i think back and try to remember as much as possible from time to time because every single moment was and is all really important. it made me who i am. but nowadays, my past memories just flow into my head and is making me feel bitter sweet... idk.. maybe it's a seasonal thing.. i tend to get sad or depressed easily around this time of the year till after new year... idk...

YEAR IS FINALLY OVER

lol funny how i never want to post and just want to stalk on my friends... but today, i just felt an urge to say this: School. is. over. <3
Nice~ :D

Nothing

Man... I was so ready for this... I listened to cheerful songs, act up, smiled, laughed, made myself happy.... just for this... but now that I actually Know what is going on... I can't handle my pain. I. Just. Can't.
Sometimes... I just wonder. What would my life have been if I wasn't a Christian, if my beliefs were different, if I was just a regular teenager, thinking and acting the same way, would I be smiling?
Why do people change? Why.... why.... When I am still the same, why do others change...

what's up?

it's been a WHILE since i wrote a post.... well, i guess it cuz of my personality that i want to hear about others more than i want to talk about myself... but also cuz i'm maddd lazy bum :)
but thing about being lazy is that it's relieving sometimes... quite a lot of times... just bumming makes you feel like you have no problems... and then you can just tackle down one at a time XDD
but it makes me sad how much troubles and sadness my friends go through sometimes... and how i can't do anything about it... but i know all the troubles will go away... so i guess i can only wait... :)

O.M.G

You know what I forgot to do?? I can't believe I forgot this...




IT IS 2011!!!! HAPPY NEW YEARS PEOPLE!! WOOHOOOO
Man... I can't believe I forgot to post a post on 1/1/11... what a shame... anyways.. I really hope I can do well this year! and do many things I told my self to do!! like finishing well in school... and lots more.. :3