I'm getting lazy...

I'm getting lazy... or more like less willful? So just now, I decided to write about what I did today and how I felt about it, but then... I got unmotivated for some reason and changed my mind to write about how lazy I've become.

But at least Early decision/action is over now :)

Anniversary

It's a couple's anniversary today... and it is snowing as if to bless them. Like a white christmas, it's a white anniversary for them...

I feel miserable... I don't want to be in Eeksah.

I quit.

Concave up

Things are going well now. I sense a good flow of situations right now... but my heart feels a little heavy. Just a tad. I really should be happy, but it's hard.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.

This is a part of a poem that really stuck out to me. Well, I first heard it in korean and looked for a translation for you guys... lol Then I found out that it was a part of a poem but i guess that doesn't matter.
It's just really... sad... to know that that actually is true for the most part. idk... maybe i want people around me to be that way? lol i don't know what i'm even saying at this point...

i think i'm tired... so i'll stop here for now...

Homecoming Dance

I just realized that all the dramas I had up until now and the dramas I have now are from the home coming dance during my freshman year... Everything started there. Ever since then, and after the freshman year APA dance, I didn't want to go to any of the dances...
But I did anyway. And every time, I found myself sad. I didn't want to go to Sophomore year home coming dance, but I did anyways. Not there to dance, but I just went... and I got depressed. Same year APA Dance, I guess I could say I screwed up, but in all honesty, I wasn't ready. Junior year homecoming dance, I didn't want to go, but I went anyway. And I got really depressed. I knew I would be depressed if i went, but I just... had to... I couldn't help but bring myself to deepen the wound in my heart. Same thing for Junior year APA Dance...
And even this year, I'll be the same way... maybe not to apa dance, but homecoming dance for sure... I know I don't want to go... but I probably will anyway. And this time, I'll actually participate in dance, but not because I want to or enjoy dancing, but probably because I don't want other people to know that I'm sad.

Since my freshman year, a lot of things happened. and a lot of things I've done piled in my heart, some heavy, some light, but it all piled up.

If I had a chance to go back in my freshman year and relive it, I'd really want to, but I'll probably say no... because I'd have to go through the pain again.

All the things I know and feel and acknowledge are things I know and feel and acknowledge only because I went through those situations and dramas. Without them, Joe I know wouldn't be the same Joe I know.  But at the same time... I wonder... if there is anyway I can reverse what I did. And it pains me because I know there isn't any way. How Ironic.

I apologize

Sorry to those who understood what I wrote on my last post... i didn't mean to direct what i said to my friends here XD it was more of a... monologue? like, i was telling myself to get the hell out (in case you're still wondering, that's what i wrote in korean XD) cuz... i went through the same exact thing last year, and i survived through it? So I was like, the heck, I'll be fine this year too. Time will pass, and I'll be fine. I mean, so what if i'm sad from time to time? If that's how I feel atm, that is how I feel atm.

I mean, I do want to be happy and stay happy. I want to be smiling and laughing and stay smiling and laughing because I don't want my friends to be down because I'm down. I want to laugh and have fun with them. But at the same time, I don't want to fake my emotion. But idk...  whatever i do at this point will be very hypocritical either way :[

.

쫌 꺼져줄래?

I lied.

Aight so I lied... it hit me today again...

like, i'm not a lone, but i'm lonely.and that feels like shit.

:)

I'm happy these days XD well,i guess i shouldn't use the word "happy" but generally up? i feel energetic and lively XD

lol of course, this doesn't mean i'm doing my work... but still? like, i, for some strange odd reasons, don't think i'll be living a difficult life... like, it's not like i'll die from starvation due to lack of  money? idk... i don't really feel pressured,,, XD

but yeaaa i feel good these days :D

Well

I want to cry.